Archive for November, 2005

Diving into the Blue ~ The Ocean of Cyberspace

Diving in the sea,
I see ribbons and waves of color.
logical information spirals out of control,
the sky above me is a reversed rainbow,
the ocean below inverted into a monochrome.
seeing the knowledge; absorbing, drowning,
the water feels like bubbly binary.
cold wires around me form shapes like seaweed,
the circuitry patterned metallic fish have blinking diodes in their eyes.
waves and currents of data envelop and sweep over me.

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Warrior’s Dance

Travelling with the wind,
the spirited soldiers walk ever onward.
the warriors dance as their thoughts just fly to the wind,
and their words fall to the sands.

tuu yay ewy-ehjoh rew yay yur ruu ayzhee…
zhreez yay tee rew ewy teh ve…

they will keep dancing, never stopping,
until silence fills the sandy desert.
ar eyer err jeekl, kleezhr ar zer ta yowd yay dae.

ta yowd uujow dae, ta yowd uujow dae.

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Fragment of a Symphony: The Mending of a Broken Girl ~ Part II

The tentacles extended themselves completely, revealing leeches armed with tiny teeth in their gaping mouths. The sharp teeth changed into needles without the girl noticing.
“Now, do as I instruct: relax yourself and above all, be calm and do not panic.” Marius glanced quickly at the moderately wounded Apprentice, analyzing her damage quickly.
“My, my, my. You have sustained a lot of damaged. Some of your bones are on the verge of breaking! That gives me another reason to use these surgical tentacles to repair you efficiently and quickly.” Ashtoreth eyed the threatening appendages of her Nurturer.
“How long will it take?” her raven colored hair billowed in the liquid slowly, like wispy tendrils. She knew something like this will happen one day, no matter how many precautions she took whilst out on the field attending to her duties.
“Two to three hours.” Marius moved two of his twenty tentacles to the back of his patient support both her bruised head and slightly damaged neck. The partly mechanized surgeon shackled the girl’s arms and legs to restrict her movements. Ashtoreth felt her heartbeat escalate as the shackles binding her clicked shut in perfect unison. The pale skinned girl’s eyes widened in horror as she watched the surgical implements move closer to her wounded flesh. Oh no, please… Not this! The leech-ends attached to the Nurturer’s appendages closed in on her at every direction. She screamed in pain as the leeches teared their way into flesh, sinew and bone to burrow deeply into her. The blue liquid gained a light purple hue which gradually darkened as blood began to flood forth from the reopened wound.
“Please, enough!” Ashtoreth screamed for mercy. I hope her training has aided her in keeping a stiff upper lip, this operation might take more time than I would expected it to be. The more the surgeon’s patient struggled, the more tighter the shackles became, already he saw that both her wrists and ankles would become bruised if it continued on. He slowed down his progress on her repairs and looked at the girl in pity.
“It is time to cleanse your bloodied wounds. Let the painful healing fire purify you within.” despite the slowing of progress, the struggling girl continued her screams of pain and agony to pierce the silence of the room outside. Marius used a vacant tentacle to gently wrap around her neck from behind and sealed her mouth shut. His other limbs continued to work on damaged tissue, bone and sinew. After that was done, every wound repaired internally was tiny metal clamps and varying lengths of catgut. By the end of the gruesome and painful procedure, the weary girl was left alone to rest and dream of nothingness.

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Fragment of a Symphony: The Mending of a Broken Girl ~ Part I

“Come closer, let me mend your wounds.” the ever calm voice of Marius flooded her broken ears. Ashtoreth was led by the hand of an Cyberian Knight back into The Womb where her severe wounds would be mended. The injured Apprentice felt drowsy and numb as the egg-shaped tank began to fill up with gooey, strange smelling blue liquid. With weary eyes, Ashtoreth looked up at Marius who resided inside on the top end of The Womb, his partly humanoid and partly squid like form lowering himself using his tentacles before her.
“That’s right. Breathe slowly and calmly, in and out. Relax.” Ashtoreth relaxed as instructed and let her weary eyes close themselves. A few minutes after the deep and invigorating sleep, a cold and flexible robotic tentacle gently prodded her on the shoulder.
“I’m sorry, but this must be done. Your body is quite damaged and this is the only way to repair it completely and properly.” what the girl saw coming towards her made both her mind and body jolt to complete wakefulness in unison.

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Fragment of an Idea: Beginning of the Toymaker

This is only a bit of a story idea that my uncle requested me. He suggested an idea of making a Tim Burton-esque story about a toymaker. This is just the beginning of the story.

“How many times do I have to tell you? Its not maker, not master, but father.”
the little girl in front of the old but wizened toymaker shook her head in disapproval.
“Come on now. you say it: fa-ther.” the toymaker said the last word slowly, hoping the red haired girl would get the idea into her head. the little girl smiled at the kind old man and said “ma-ker.” and giggled. The toymaker sighed sighed wearily at his failed attempt.
“Dahlia, you are such a stubborn girl. I am afraid I have put too much determination in you.”

Everyone is welcome to put in comments or suggestions for this piece if they wish to do so.

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Fragment of a Symphony: A Lesson in Pain

After making a rather foolish mistake, Ashtoreth was chained to the stone wall at the far end of the coliseum Arena and beaten as a reward for her actions. Now restrained by the heavy spiked chains and suffering from the chains’ sheer weight and bleeding from all parts of her aching body, she stubbornly showed her willingness to pass Master Skoll’s draconian combat lesson. The Master of Time and Combat looked down on the pathetically weak Apprentice with her once-beautiful Victorian dress in tatters with a too-obvious displeasure at seeing the adolescent fall from grace so quickly. This is a waste of my efforts, Master Skoll thought to himself with a certain sadness.
Ashtoreth could see with tear-blurred eyes as the unforgiving Master’s razor sharp attack claws sheathed themselves back one by one into knuckle dusters. The Master walked even closer towards Ashtoreth’s weakened and bruised form.
“Think of the heavy chains binding you as training, little one.” his very words were tainted with acid which ate away painfully at the girl’s delicate ears. The poor girl’s beautiful porcelain skin was marked with healing scars and bruises. Ashtoreth wished that her beloved mentor Master Brien would come immediately to her assistance. She closed her eyes eyes tightly and tried to send her cry for help in his direction.
“The world isn’t as merciful you know, so this will do you a lot of good. You’ll thank me for this.” his lips broadened into a wide grin.

All people are welcome to comment on my Fragment posted here.

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Prologue Critique (by Tiffany of Arcane)

Tiffany critiqued the prologue, and this is it.

Ooo, more to critique. Always happy to read someone’s work!

Your Writing:The heavy rain soaked my clothes as I ran panting and struggling against the wetness and the fierce howling night winds.”D*** it!” my breath was ragged blowing warm steam into the night. My damp clothing made my movements sluggish and stupid.”Having a little problem you annoying little S***? I hope you are!” the black clad figure running in front of me shouted from behind. I ignored his taunt about my running ability and sped after him across the street, the faint outline of a firearm slung on his left shoulder revealed a bigger threat than I have realized at first. My full length beige trench coat flapped lazily in the night winds. The moon offered help in its meagre source of light, showing the destination of the man now running. I kept on running towards the dead end in the end of the alleyway that I followed him into; the dead end of the alleyway the man in front of me was destined to meet. He slowed down to a lively walk towards the brick wall and stopped a few meters away from it. His back facing me.”Does it really have to end soon? I was thinking that this F***ing game was getting really exciting. I was starting to enjoy the warm-up.” he turned around to face me, his firearm had already found its way to my head. I smiled at my apparent victory for tonight.You’re lacking a little in the punctuation department. I noticed a tense issue, maybe some conjunctions could be revised. With work, you can establish tension and make a hook that will draw your reader in.Below, I will write my “own version” of your writing. (And of course they’re only suggestions.) I find this is the easiest way to fully critique someone’s work.

My Writing:It was late at night. The torrential rain [I feel “torrential” better fits here, but “heavy” works and accomplishes the same thing.] soaked my clothes as I ran panting against the fury of the rain and the harsh storm that accompanied it. What a time to be out, I thought, In a rainstorm. “D***- it!” [If you’re not going to use something like, “I said,” it might be better to skip down to a new paragraph. As far as I know, though, your original sentence is not gramatically incorrect.]My breath was ragged, [you forgot a comma here] chugging out as warm floods of steam. As my clothing filled with water, and became heavy, my movements became sluggish and stupid. [I understand what you’re saying, but the word “stupid” might make other readers stop for a moment and contemplate your mastery of vocabulary and language, which is not always something you want to happen.]”Having some trouble, you little s***?” [You forgot some commas and I’ve divided this up] A man clad in black running in front of me gasped. “I hope you are!”I clinched my teeth and ran faster, nearly tumbling head over heels because of my heavy, sopping clothing. He was taunting me. [What you had written originally really didn’t apply to someone’s “running ability.”] Just because I couldn’t run in the rain as fast as he could! He sped across the street and I ran after him. As he passed under a dim streetlight, I could see the outline of a firearm. So he’s more of a threat, I thought.[Omit or rework your sentence about the moon and its light.]The meager light of the moon helped me find the man when he plunged into shadows and then reappeared, momentarily. I saw him run down an alley. Again, I followed him.Soon, I noticed that the alleyway led to a dead end. He slowed to a blithe trot and then stopped a few feet [feet would probably be better] His back was facing me, and he was motionless. Above, the storm increased in its ferocity. The wind was blowing so hard, it buffeted the rain right over our heads, so we were dry and protected in the alley. [I added some detail. It helps establish tension and gives the reader a better picture of the tone of the story.]”Do you really have to stop so soon?” I spat bitterly, panting, “I was beginning to f****** enjoy it. [I would take out the “F-word” but it’s not necessary and it does show great agitation in your character. Still, there are other ways to be irritated.] I snorted, “I was really beginning to enjoy this little warm- up.”He spun around, and the end of the firearm’s barrel was jabbed into my forehead. His lips were upturned in a snarl and, in a way, he reminded me of a predator that has become the prey. I smiled for this evening victory. [I put more description in here.][How is the man with the gun feeling? You probably mention this farther in this piece, but I found myself thinking, “well gosh, why can’t you just tell me now?”][I did read a little farther, and I’m interested. Please read my other little message below before I continue.]