DRUNKEN pub-goers lay dead and bloodied in their thousands after a tall and lanky man dressed up in Army camouflage murdered each and every patron at the pool table with an unchalked pool cue after drinking three drinks and managing to stay sober and clean despite a blood-soaked and gruesome crime scene. “He just came in, sat, drank and then got up and did his thing at the tables.” A forty year old survivor told police. The man is described as tall, lanky, and “mulleted” and was last seen at the local pizza store, leaving the small town populace baffled over the fact that the man was reportedly carrying a trophy from his victory and a bag of pork crackle left over from the competition. They also report that no pool tables or pool cues were harmed or taken during the attack.
Filed under: Bullshit News
A MAN was attacked by a violent mob of Pro-Lifers carrying signs reading “Abortion Kills Children” and “Jesus Heals and Forgives” after he did the costly mistake of revealing his side of a university debate that occurred last week. The crowd of attackers consisted mostly of students from several universities armed with water bottles and carrier bags, Parents armed with children and portable prams, seniors equipped with canes and two students from TAFE armed with absolutely nothing, because of being “cheap-arse college students with the want for a KFC Snack Box”. The victim, D___ A__, describes the attack as random and brutal and an event that will “traumatize him for life”. “It first started as something that couldn’t be avoided in saying since we’re in, you know, Uni.” The scared student, now horribly disfigured, managed to say. “And then they were chasing me and boxing me in like a Big Day Out concert with Rage in it.” Some go to say that the whole event was “Awesome” and “Youtube material”. The film students in the audience however refused to comment even more, since they were too distracted on the account of the TAFE campus watching a fight between two parts of the same campus from across the street, apparently for the rights of ownership for the same vending machine stocking Asian food staples. The man, however remains in a critical condition.
Filed under: Bullshit News
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